She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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