she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
even my farts smell like vagina
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
