my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
