So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Your cock deserves a montage
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
