you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You left your phone here
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