Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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