Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
