Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
