Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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