I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
