i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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