God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
