And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
