R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
