At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
