I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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