high people should be assigned attendants
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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