hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
