I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
