just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize