maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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