On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
