I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
