so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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