Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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