When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
