yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
