i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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