i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
