where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
