She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
