I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
