i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
