Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
