Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
