How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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