took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
