There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
