the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
