how can u be prego again
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
my poor anus
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
