no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
