Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
