My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I CAN MOONWALK!
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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