I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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