I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
