I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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