last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
