Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
