god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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