You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
