I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
