I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Randomize
