why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
