mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
