So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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