i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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