if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
