I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
